Almost Time

I am now 38 weeks pregnant. Just waiting, and waiting. Somehow I convinced myself that my due date of March 18 was way later than it should be, and also that since Avery was born 10 days early and statistically speaking, subsequent children are usually born earlier than the first, that the new baby would come out like, 4 weeks early. All the symptoms I felt indicated that labor was impending, but in retrospect I think I was just hyper sensitive since I was paranoid that its all just going to happen too fast and I'd end up having the kid in the car. My first labor lasted a total of 5 hours from start to finish.

Ah well, now I'm 38 weeks, 12 days away from my due date. Every evening for the past 5 days, I've been feeling like I would go into labor. What's confusing about this time around is that the fake Braxton Hicks contractions are happening in 10 minute intervals, regularly for an hour or two, making Howard and I both ready to jump into the car and head to the hospital. Then to make sure, I lay down and the contractions start to subside and go away as I fall asleep. With the first pregnancy, my fake Braxton Hicks contractions were predictable - my belly would tighten into a ball whenever i walked. I just go used to it. Then on the day of labor, I woke up to a different sensation - strong contractions on the belly radiating downward, every 10 minutes and I knew it was it. Very straight forward. But not this time!

One of my biggest concerns lately, as the birth of our second child looms, is that of Avery's transition into an older sibling. We've talked about this for months now, read her the "I'm a Big Sister!" book. I planned it out carefully as soon as I found out I was pregnant, so that all the changes would happen gradually over a span of 8 months. Moved her into a big girl bed in September, enrolled her in morning preschool in October, moved her into three full days at school in November, so she had 4 solid months in this schedule before the baby comes. The one thing that was more or less last minute was moving her to a new bedroom late January instead of making the new bedroom into the baby's room. We asked her first and she was the one who wanted the new bedroom. So far it seems like she's adjusted well to the room, so we'll see how she does when the baby comes.

Another source of anxiety for me lately is that she's been throwing some massive tantrums, having troubling nightmares (screaming "THAT"S MINE NOT YOURS!!" and "I"M CRYING!!) and losing hair (!?!?) which we've determined was the result of stress and over tiredness. Poor kid. She is still very clingy to me at school in the morning, and refuses to join her class. I leave her crying often. After 5 months of school she's regressed from liking school and learning alot to just feeling uncomfortable and unsecure. When she spends the day with her grandmas on Tuesdays or Thursdays, she's been acting up even more. Every morning she just tells me she wants to stay at home, not go to school, not go to Ama's house, etc etc. There was a couple weeks in January when the two grandma's were gone on vacation and I had Diana her old nanny come. Avery loved being able to stay at home and have someone to play with. I got to come home to a happy, well-rested, well-adjusted kid, which was really nice. Unfortunately having a nanny costs me more than twice as much per day as it does for her to go to school, and also, letting Avery spend time with her grandmas is as important to us as it is to our wallets. (Love my moms!!)

During one of Avery's tantrums, she pointed to the My Breast Friend nursing pad that I used to nurse her when she was an infant and said "THAT"S MINE! NOT EMMAS!!" ah ha. Also before that, I noticed one of the tantrums that set her off was when Howard had asked if it was time to go to the hospital since i was having contractions. The word "hospital" got her all riled up again.

Her stress is a combination of over tiredness, sickness (she got a mild case of roseola last week, and she is now running a mild fever and coughing/runny nose), and anxiety/confusion over the incoming baby.

This evening, as she was eating some pasta before bedtime, she said to me matter-of-factly: "Mommy, I don't like you." I said, why? "I like Daddy". While she didn't say any further, I know why. I've been too tired to play with her in length, too pregnant to carry her the way she prefers, and, quite frankly, physically unable to even fit in her bed to snuggle and read a bedtime book. Its been this way for many months now.

The emotions I feel about this topic, coupled with the imminent birth of the new baby (in fact I'm rushing this entry post because my labor contractions are starting to speed up) has left me quite overwhelmed and emotionally defeated.